Take It From the Top

So I know I haven't been here is a while, but there has been a lot of stuff going on with me lately.  Let's just start from the top I guess...

So I was pretty depressed after I had Melanie. I would cry at the drop of a hat, didn't want to do anything that I usually found pleasure in, the days would just drag etc... I went to the dr (let's call him Dr. D as in Dr. douche bag)  and he referred me to mental health so I went and talked to a therapist. The therapist and Dr. D talked and so now I have been on zoloft since November. Well, I don't cry all the time and mope around anymore, but I still don't feel normal.  I snap at Liam all the time, I have ZERO patience, things like that.  Probably all just side effects of the zoloft. 

Then about 3 months ago I started having these panic or anxiety attacks (as Dr. D diagnosed them) almost daily. When I told Dr. D about them I really felt he dismissed it and just upped my zoloft.  What these attacks feel like is a wave of almost like a deja vu feeling, and then my head gets a little spinny and I have this a scene plays out in it, almost like it's something I dreamed before or have seen before and I can't shake the scene out or think of anything else. It consume all thought I have. Then it feels like someone is putting pressure on my chest like pushing on it a little and I feel nauseous. I can be sitting there doing nothing when it hits, or in spin class, or just woke up and still laying in bed, or changing the baby. I never know what triggers it, and I can never remember the "scene" that I was seeing after its over. That part lasts maybe 3 minutes. Then I just feel sick to my stomach for about an hour.   It is very hard to describe and this probably isn't explaining it well.  Dr D. recently prescribed me klonopin to take when I "feel an attack coming." I told him I don't feel anything until it's happening and he basically told me to humor him. WTH kind of answer is that?

So on top of that, I have had this pain at the base of my skull and the back of my neck and it feels like there is a hard lump on one side and Dr. D says its nothing. but he humored me and ordered an xray for it which as I suspected did not show a thing.  The pan is so bad sometimes it makes me sick and all I can do is lay on the couch.  I don't want to raise my children from a couch! 

Then there is the weight thing. Did I mention the 4 lbs I lost was a fluke??? Yeah it must have been water weight lost or something because the next day I was back to normal 194. I go from 192-194 and that's all it varies. There is absolutely no reason with as hard as I work out and watch what I eat that I can't lose A SINGLE pound. Its ridiculous! I had my thyroid checked a few months ago, but apparently that was normal. 

You want to know what Dr. D says is wrong with me?  The root cause of ALL my problems???  STRESS.  That's it.  I'm just stressed.  Dr. D wants to give me a psych referral.  Whatever...  I understand that all of those things could be stress related, but I really think the not losing weight is causing stress, not caused by it.  I am not above seeing a psychiatrist. I have no problem with that. I just think that he is dismissing me too easily. I don't FEEL like its a stress thing.  I feel like something is medically/physically wrong, not mentally.  I deal with stress pretty well, and honestly apart from the whole post partum depression, I really don't feel extremely stressed or over worked or over stimulated or anything. I JUST DON'T FEEL STRESSED, and that's what he is not getting.  I feel like he is dismissing me and my concerns.  Just because I have a full time job, my husband is deployed and I have two kids does not automatically make me stressed.  I have done this 3 other times.  longer and longer each time, one other time with a kid.  Trust me, I am an expert...  If I actually felt stressed, I would buy what he's trying to sell me.  But since I don't, I really think there is something else wrong. I really think he just doesn't want to do his job.


So after the x-ray and klonopin visit I decided to get a second opinion.  My new dr is great!  Lets call him Dr B, as in Dr. Best!  Before my visit with Dr. B his nurse called.  She asked me some questions about what has been going on and one of the questions was has anyone ever witnessed one of my "panic/anxiety" attacks.  The answer at that time was only Liam, but I really don't think he would have been able to tell her what was going on.   Then she asked me if I had ever had a seizure before, because that is what they almost sounded like to her.  She ordered some lab work for some routine stuff, liver, kidney, glucose, etc...  All of that came back normal.  Before I went to my appointment with Dr. B I had an "episode" at work.  We were all standing around talking to the commander who came to the shop to visit.  I was standing at parade rest listening to my boss talk when it hit me.  Afterward, my boss said I was standing there with a blank look on my face, my arms dropped to my side, and I looked like I was sort of spacing out.  I told him I was having one of my "episodes."  He said I was starring at him and he thought maybe he was forgetting something to tell the commander, lol...  So I told Dr. B what my boss said.  He agrees with  the nurse, sounds like a partial/simple seizure.  He put in a consult for Neuro for that, and ordered an MRI for my neck.  One visit and Dr. B is making things happen! 

There wasn't much by way of meds I could take while breastfeeding so I ended up stopping at the beginning of the month.  Melanie took the adjustment well.  We just depleted our frozen supply of breast milk yesterday, so now she will be all formula all the time. 


I am also weaning off the zoloft over the next few weeks.  That is my choice, I really feel like I don't need it anymore.  There is more going on but right now, I just want to focus on those two main things.  My MRI is next Friday and my Neuro appointment is April 19th.  I will keep everyone posted.

Letting It All Hang Out

***Ok I am going for it.  This was the blog I wasn't sure I was ready to post.  I wrote it about 3 weeks ago.  I'm just going to do it and get over it, lol...***


Well, I read on some website while looking up some good lowfat/dieting recipes that blogging about your weight loss journey helps hold you accountable.  After much thought and deliberation (and talking myself into it) I have decided that I am going to try to do just that.  It's not going to be easy.  Personally, I find my weight embarrassing.  I realize I didn't exactly become this size from sitting on the couch shoveling food into my mouth.  And it is not like I sit around on my butt all day everyday doing nothing.  I am pretty active.  But regardless of how I gained the weight, and how lazy or not lazy I am, my weight is still something I am embarrassed to admit.   

I will be the first to admit I LOVE FOOD!  Probably a lot more than most people.  It doesn't matter what kind it is; American, Greek, Italian, Mexican, Chinese, you name it, I probably love it.  (Except seafood.  GROSS!)  I will also admit that I make excuses for myself when I eat things that aren't exactly good for me.  I tell myself things like, 'This will be the last time I grab fast food for at least a month.'  Or 'I've had a hard day.  One candy bar won't hurt.'  So I add those extra calories on myself.  Once I get down to my goal weight, those things will be a little more ok as long as I stay at least as active as I am now.  But until I get there, I know I need to cut them out.  But it is hard.  We have all been there.  We all know McDonald's doesn't require you to cook after you just worked a 10+ hour long day and your kid has swim lessons and you are either too exhausted too cook, or in a time crunch.  We all know grabbing that candy bar or chips out of the vending machine is convenient if you forgot to pack a snack.

I have gotten good about packing my lunch and snacks for work over this past week.  That way if I don't have time to come home, I don't feel forced to run to Taco Bell on base real quick for lunch and hurry back.  And if I have a healthier alternative to a snack, I won't grab a candy bar or cookies or something from the snack fund.  It worked pretty well for me last week.  If I keep that going it will be a step in the right direction.

My next obstacle is the burning of the calories part.  I HATE WORKING OUT!  Unfortunately, (or fortunately; depending on how you look at it)  being in shape is part of my job.  Round and lumpy is a shape!  Right there between oval and rectangle I swear!  At a minimum we do PT 3 days a week with our squadron, 45-60 minutes.  They aren't hard workouts usually.  But I hate running.  That probably has something to do with being fat though.  Fat people have a hard time running; it's a lot of mass to move at a quick speed!  All joking aside (for half a second at least) working out is boring to me.  It is something I force myself to do and just suffer through.  Honestly, I am not that out of shape; I am pretty fit because I am pretty active.  I am just over weight.  These past two weeks haven't been so bad because I have had a workout buddy to motivate me.  So I think if we stick with each other, we can both do this.

Another obstacle I have to face is my ongoing shoulder problems.  I can not do a push up with it.  Although that may get easier as I get lighter.  I can't do much weight lifting with it.  This has been a problem since high school.  I had surgery in 2005, and it felt great for about a year, then it was back to it's old self again.  Then, when I was pregnant with Melanie I developed sacroiliac joint pain.  This is the harder of the two pains to push through since it radiates through must of my body when it flares up.  And the pain lasts for days.  So if am continuously working out daily, it never really goes away.   Heat barely helps, ice does nothing but make my butt cold.  Motrin; what a joke.  I try to push through what I can, but sometimes I just say screw it.  That is another problem.  I think I just need to find a balance, or an activity that doesn't aggravate it as much.  Bearable pain I think is what my physical therapist said.  She also said that it may get better when I get down to my ideal body weight because it will be less stress on my joint with less weight.

My exercise plan is as follows:
MON: Squadron PT in the AM, Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred in the afternoon
TUES: Squadron PT in the AM, Jillian in the afternoon
WED:  Spin Class at lunch, Jillian in the afternoon
THURS:  Squadron PT in the AM, Jillian in the afternoon
FRI: Spin at lunch, Jillian in the afternoon

Once the gym gets an instructor for the circuit class, I might add that in at lunch on TUES and THURS.  On the weekends when it is nice I am going to try to go on at least a 30 minute walks with the kids.  Once Liam gets the hang of riding his bike, we can do bike rides. 

So here I go.  Baring my soul (and my size)

Current Stats:
Weight: 194 lbs
Pants size: 14
Shirt Size: XL
Waist:  35.5" (measured at my PT test in December.  Mind you I was sucking in like my life depended on it.  Because my test PASS/FAIL did depend on it.)

Goal Stats:
Weight: 160 lbs (this is my dr's goal weight. Personally I want to be at least 150, if not less, but baby steps the dr says)
Pant Size: 9-10
Shirt Size: M-LG
Waist: 31" or less (without sucking in, lol)

My struggles are going to be hard to share, because people knowing when I falter will feel to me like I am a failure.  But on the same token sharing my accomplishments will make me feel like I am doing something worth while and motivate me to keep going.  Knowing people are going to read this will help me to push myself because I won't want to get on here and tell you I ate a cheeseburger and fries today.  I will want to get on here and tell you I went to spin class and then ran 2 miles.  So here I go on my weight loss journey.  Wish me luck!

****UPDATE:  Since writing this blog, I have in fact lost 4 lbs.  But so far, no more.****


*I will get a "BEFORE" picture up as soon as I can*

A Great Recipe for OAMC

Trying to keep true to my "resolution" of posting more frequently, yet having nothing really to say, I decided to share one of my favorite freezer recipes.   Some of you may recognize this from an email I sent you.  I just copied and pasted most of this blog from that email, haha...


Chicken Marsla Freezer Recipe
(That is the link to the original site I got this from)

1 - 1 1/2 lbs chicken breast, thinly sliced
1 cup flour
1 egg, beaten (possibly additional eggs)
1 stick butter
2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup chicken broth
1 cup Marsala wine
Salt & pepper

In skillet, melt butter and add olive oil. Dip chicken pieces in egg, then dredge in flour to coat. Place chicken in frying pan and fry until golden on each side. Add chicken broth and remaining ingredients and simmer in skillet for ten minutes. Transfer to freezer-safe casserole (foil is ideal), cool, then label and freeze.

To prepare from frozen:
Heat oven to 350 degrees and loosely cover casserole with foil. Bake chicken marsala for 40 minutes, then remove foil. Continue cooking for 20 minutes or until chicken is thoroughly cooked. Serve over pasta or rice.

Well, I wasn't sure about this one after I made it; I thought it would be soggy and gross.  But once I ate it I couldn't get enough. It was so juicy and tender. I usually serve this over rice and have a salad or some other nonstarchy veggie.  I just get regular chicken breasts and pound them flatter with a kitchen mallet because trying to slice them thin is ridiculously hard. And depending on how big it turns once its pounded it can be cut to 2 pieces sometimes. I usually make my pieces about the size of two playing cards. (not in thickness of course). And I use Regina Red Cooking Wine because at the time I was shopping I couldn't find any Marsala wine. But it turned out so good I never bothered trying the actual Marsala. I got the wine at Wal-Mart in the spice aisle or the baking section, can't remember which...

I use the same idea for Chicken Parmesan as far as cooking the chicken itself then I just top it with spaghetti sauce a shredded Parmesan cheese, once the chicken cools, then freeze it. I cooked it the same amount of time and the same way because it is just being reheated and I just served it over spaghetti noodles with salad and/or garlic bread.

If anyone tries this, let me know what you think!

Out With the Old and in With the New

Well I made it out of 2010 alive!  There is a lot to be said for that because I figured I would have killed myself or at least be in jail by now for killing one of my kids, lol...  *Disclaimer* Of course I am joking; I would never intentionally hurt one of my children, or myself...  My husband on the other hand... J/K (maybe)

We have some great things to look forward to this year, but first let's start with some highlights from last year in pictures...

 My sister got married

Liam started using the big boy potty!

We moved to Georgia

Liam became a big brother

My sisters wedding reception

My brother-in-law David graduated Basic Law Enforcement Training

First trip to the Atlanta Aquarium

Liam's 3rd Birthday

Greg received his Associates Degree in Electronic Systems Technology 

from the Community College of the Air Force

Melanie's first Christmas

Some things that are coming our way this year are (in no particular order):

1.  GREG IS COMING HOME!!!!
2.  I will meet my first niece/nephew!
3.  My brother-in-law John is getting married so I will be getting another Loving sister!
4.  Liam will be in his first wedding as the ring bearer in John and Amy's wedding.
5.  Melanie will celebrate her first birthday!
6.  I have to make the choice to stay in the Air Force or get out and go to school full time.
7.  Taking Liam to see his first Monster Truck Rally.
8.  Going to my cousins wedding.
9.  Hopefully going to the Pirate Festival in Savannah.
10.  Greg and I are possibly going on a cruise.

There are a couple other things I want to do that I guess you could call my resolutions.  I want to start reading things outside of my normal realm. My goal is to finish at least 10 books that are not the kind of things I would normally read.  I have been looking up lists of "classic" novels and choosing some to read.  I have also been pouring over Oprah's book list to choose some books.  I have been utilizing the library on base.  I am currently half way through East of Eden by John Steinbeck.  It is a little slow, but very good. 

Another thing I really want to buckle down on is this weight loss problem.  I had been doing everything right and didn't lose a single pound in 6 months, so I gave up.  I even spoke with a dietitian, had lab work done, was working out twice a day, and nothing...  So I am going to buckle back down on my diet and exercise and see if I can make some changes this year.

I also am going to try and make more of an effort to blog more.  I just have to find the time!

2010 brought us some great changes; I can only hope 2011 is just as great!