Take It From the Top

So I know I haven't been here is a while, but there has been a lot of stuff going on with me lately.  Let's just start from the top I guess...

So I was pretty depressed after I had Melanie. I would cry at the drop of a hat, didn't want to do anything that I usually found pleasure in, the days would just drag etc... I went to the dr (let's call him Dr. D as in Dr. douche bag)  and he referred me to mental health so I went and talked to a therapist. The therapist and Dr. D talked and so now I have been on zoloft since November. Well, I don't cry all the time and mope around anymore, but I still don't feel normal.  I snap at Liam all the time, I have ZERO patience, things like that.  Probably all just side effects of the zoloft. 

Then about 3 months ago I started having these panic or anxiety attacks (as Dr. D diagnosed them) almost daily. When I told Dr. D about them I really felt he dismissed it and just upped my zoloft.  What these attacks feel like is a wave of almost like a deja vu feeling, and then my head gets a little spinny and I have this a scene plays out in it, almost like it's something I dreamed before or have seen before and I can't shake the scene out or think of anything else. It consume all thought I have. Then it feels like someone is putting pressure on my chest like pushing on it a little and I feel nauseous. I can be sitting there doing nothing when it hits, or in spin class, or just woke up and still laying in bed, or changing the baby. I never know what triggers it, and I can never remember the "scene" that I was seeing after its over. That part lasts maybe 3 minutes. Then I just feel sick to my stomach for about an hour.   It is very hard to describe and this probably isn't explaining it well.  Dr D. recently prescribed me klonopin to take when I "feel an attack coming." I told him I don't feel anything until it's happening and he basically told me to humor him. WTH kind of answer is that?

So on top of that, I have had this pain at the base of my skull and the back of my neck and it feels like there is a hard lump on one side and Dr. D says its nothing. but he humored me and ordered an xray for it which as I suspected did not show a thing.  The pan is so bad sometimes it makes me sick and all I can do is lay on the couch.  I don't want to raise my children from a couch! 

Then there is the weight thing. Did I mention the 4 lbs I lost was a fluke??? Yeah it must have been water weight lost or something because the next day I was back to normal 194. I go from 192-194 and that's all it varies. There is absolutely no reason with as hard as I work out and watch what I eat that I can't lose A SINGLE pound. Its ridiculous! I had my thyroid checked a few months ago, but apparently that was normal. 

You want to know what Dr. D says is wrong with me?  The root cause of ALL my problems???  STRESS.  That's it.  I'm just stressed.  Dr. D wants to give me a psych referral.  Whatever...  I understand that all of those things could be stress related, but I really think the not losing weight is causing stress, not caused by it.  I am not above seeing a psychiatrist. I have no problem with that. I just think that he is dismissing me too easily. I don't FEEL like its a stress thing.  I feel like something is medically/physically wrong, not mentally.  I deal with stress pretty well, and honestly apart from the whole post partum depression, I really don't feel extremely stressed or over worked or over stimulated or anything. I JUST DON'T FEEL STRESSED, and that's what he is not getting.  I feel like he is dismissing me and my concerns.  Just because I have a full time job, my husband is deployed and I have two kids does not automatically make me stressed.  I have done this 3 other times.  longer and longer each time, one other time with a kid.  Trust me, I am an expert...  If I actually felt stressed, I would buy what he's trying to sell me.  But since I don't, I really think there is something else wrong. I really think he just doesn't want to do his job.


So after the x-ray and klonopin visit I decided to get a second opinion.  My new dr is great!  Lets call him Dr B, as in Dr. Best!  Before my visit with Dr. B his nurse called.  She asked me some questions about what has been going on and one of the questions was has anyone ever witnessed one of my "panic/anxiety" attacks.  The answer at that time was only Liam, but I really don't think he would have been able to tell her what was going on.   Then she asked me if I had ever had a seizure before, because that is what they almost sounded like to her.  She ordered some lab work for some routine stuff, liver, kidney, glucose, etc...  All of that came back normal.  Before I went to my appointment with Dr. B I had an "episode" at work.  We were all standing around talking to the commander who came to the shop to visit.  I was standing at parade rest listening to my boss talk when it hit me.  Afterward, my boss said I was standing there with a blank look on my face, my arms dropped to my side, and I looked like I was sort of spacing out.  I told him I was having one of my "episodes."  He said I was starring at him and he thought maybe he was forgetting something to tell the commander, lol...  So I told Dr. B what my boss said.  He agrees with  the nurse, sounds like a partial/simple seizure.  He put in a consult for Neuro for that, and ordered an MRI for my neck.  One visit and Dr. B is making things happen! 

There wasn't much by way of meds I could take while breastfeeding so I ended up stopping at the beginning of the month.  Melanie took the adjustment well.  We just depleted our frozen supply of breast milk yesterday, so now she will be all formula all the time. 


I am also weaning off the zoloft over the next few weeks.  That is my choice, I really feel like I don't need it anymore.  There is more going on but right now, I just want to focus on those two main things.  My MRI is next Friday and my Neuro appointment is April 19th.  I will keep everyone posted.